I need to get this off my system. While I cry. While I should’ve smile and grateful for all of these. I’ve been crying every night for almost a week straight.
Every time I woke up in the morning, my family would told me that I’m not going to become a good wife. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I can’t cook. I overslept. I work late at night like a man. I wake up late. I am not ladylike. And they never. Never. Recognize my achievements.
I don’t have time to nurture myself because they want to be an honor student. Which I achieve with a bit excess baggage on my body. I didn’t learn to cook because they demand me to perform above excellent. So I resort to instant food or buy it somewhere else. So I can study. Now, all those hard works are all waste.
If I knew that this would happened, I won’t study. I go to hair salon everyday, I learn how to put on make up, I go on a strict diet, and learn to cook. It’s ok to be dumb, as long as you act like a normal woman. Bullshit with girl with brains.
At the end of last year, I went on a whatever-as-long-as-i-lose-weight diet and lose about 30lbs. Now, my body is broken. The stretch marks are very very awful, and it’s all over my body. Andguess what? I’m still fat and ugly. I’m still not worth his perfectness. Never.
At this point, I don’t even know whether I’m worth the commitment my man is giving to me. He’s perfect to no end. Smart, kind, cute, tall, adorkable, and quite a nerd. The kind of perfect guy I’ve been longing for.
He was there, he proposed to me, I accepted, we’re getting there.
But people told me I’m not worthy.
I’m not worth the “I do”.
And it eats me.
I’ve been depressed and mad over everything. What’s worse is, I don’t have anyone who listens to my story, because they will tell me that I should be happy for all of these. But actually. Actually. What I need is a shoulder to cry on. I need consolation. Not being told off.
I love being in love, I love him, so much. But when I’m not “getting married” and I’m still a devoted fangirl. No one told me off for being me.
I can do whatever I want. I can sneer of my oppa. I can mock the perfect matsujun. Yet, no one told me that I’m not grateful. That I’m not worth of them.
Also, Idols don’t complaint.
No matter how they complaint on media, you will always have another girl in the fandom to blame on, and the next day, your idol will have a new photoshoot and all is well.
I wish society around me can have their new photoshoot and making me well again.